Astronomers like their wit dry?

Defining the Really Habitable Zone:

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Since the discovery of the first confirmed exoplanet, observations have revealed a remarkable diversity of worlds. A wide variety of orbital and physical characteristics are detected in the exoplanet population, and much work has been devoted to deciding which of these planets may be suitable for life. Until now, though, little work has been devoted to deciding which of the potentially habitable planets might actually be \textit{worth} existing on. To this end, we present the Really Habitable Zone (RHZ), defined as the region around a star where acceptable gins and tonic are likely to be abundant. In common with much of the work in the field, we rely throughout on assumptions which are difficult if not impossible to test and present some plots which astronomers can use in their own talks, stripped of all caveats. We suggest that planets in the Really Habitable Zone be early targets for the JWST, because by the time that thing finally launches we're all going to need a drink.

Making It Rain: How Giving Me Telescope Time Can Reduce Drought (submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia):

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In this paper we assess the correlation between recent observing runs (2018 and 2019) and inclement weather, and demonstrate that these observing runs have seen much more rainfall than would otherwise be expected, an increase of over 200%. We further look at a number of observatory sites in areas that are facing or will face drought, and suggest that a strong environmental benefit would follow from telescope allocation committees providing us an inordinate amount of telescope time at facilities located around the globe.

Searching for Space Vampires with TEvSS (submitted to Journal of Space Vampire Research):

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single human in possession of a good space telescope, must be in search of a space vampire. Here, we showcase our search for transit signatures of tidally locked space vampires, trapped in the gravitational pull of late M-dwarfs. We generate forward models representing two potential space vampire populations - those in bat shape and those in humanoid shape. We search lightcurves from the Transiting Exo-Vampire Survey Satellite (TEvSS) using a template matching algorithm and fit them using our allesfitter software. Adding the information gained from TEvSS data, we greatly decrease the uncertainty for the existence and occurrence rates of space vampires, and constrain eta(space vampire) to a range of 0% to 100% (or more). These precise analyses will be crucial for optimizing future observing schedules for space-vampire characterization with the James Webb Space-Vampire Telescope (JWSvT) and the Extremely-Large-Vampire Telescopes (ELvTs).

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